"Do I Make Sense?"

Why do we hang on to something that we know will not last at all? This question is bothering me for days now. I always tend to make it sure that somehow I do it just because it makes sense to do it. Do I make sense? I'm very much worried that I am just going too far. It's not easy as I have thought it was from the start. Why am I still here where in fact I know I don't need to be here? I am now torn between staying, fixing whatever I can fix and just to let it go and start all over again with my life. This would also mean changing plans and changing me again. 
Thoughts of broken promises and broken dreams filled my mind again. And I'm afraid it's all happening again. Lessons must be learned once more. I thought I've crossed that path and I will never return to that same spot. And now here I am again forgetting the NOW concept and afraid again what lies ahead in the future. And you know what's really bothering me now? I'm afraid of being alone and start talking to myself again. I'm afraid of not having someone to share my happiness, my worries, my sadness, and my life as a whole. These are the things that are keeping me glued here right now. I just wish these thoughts of being afraid will just go away and leave me. I just hope as soon as possible because I know it will prevent me from moving on forward and fulfill my dreams. So, do I make sense?

Have you broken any bones? If so, how?

My right knee, Fallen from a plastic roof. (ouch!!!!)

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What was your favorite year?

2009, Don't ask why please...

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"Love Someone Then Set Him Free"

They say that if you love someone then set him free. If he comes back then he is yours. It made me think now that the person you love is someone you should own then? As a human being, we are privileged to have the freedom to decide what we want to do with our lives. Being in love with a person sometimes makes you feel like he owns you or vise versa. You get to this point in your life when you will need all the security you can get just to make sure it will last. We tend to forget that a couple also consists of not just one but two people. We find time to make our relationships last but we failed to grow as individuals.This is something I am guilty of. 
You can set someone free even if you are still in a relationship. You must let go once in a while and let each other see what is there outside your tight embraces. Then after that, have the time to listen to each other's adventures. I have found this very exciting. You sit or lie so close then listen to every stories you had experienced or places you have seen. This is one fun way of knowing each other but still find the time to see the world. You laugh at each others jokes and stories. This is something you will surely cherish and remember for the rest of your lives.Security of knowing that he loves you will help you realize that you don't need to be with him for 365 days a year. There will be times when the two of you will be needing to go out and spend time with friends and other people you care about. Open one window or two in your relationship to make it more lasting. So,go ahead, love someone then set him free.

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"Secrets Revealed"

We often hear from a lot of people that secrets are revealed in due time. Well, now I can actually say that this is definitely true. You say you love a person deeply but still you still need to hide secrets from them. I cannot understand this at all. You cannot love a person then lie all at the same time. It just doesn't make sense. If you love a person as much as you say you do, learn to take the risk of revealing the real you. That way you will not get used to only giving the one you love only a small part of you. To be fully loved, you need to make sure that that person will have the chance to fully love you. This will not be achieved if you will not bare your soul to that person. You cannot expect a person to love you more than you are willing to give back.

The irony of secrets revealed is that you may never trust that person ever again. I was not prepared at all with this kind of feeling. But I guess I need to go through with it just to make some unanswered questions from my past will finally have some answers. I can now without a doubt say to myself that I am right all along. That what I have decided then was just not  something that I have needed to do, but it was definitely the right decision for me and my loved ones. I have left my old ME together with the people I've once loved and trust. Looking back, I can only feel pity but with no regrets at all. 

It only takes just a small object or a simple word for a person to realize a lot of big things in life. I have learned the hard way and I am happy I did. It made me become aware of who I am and what I am made of. I am a woman that can honestly say that I am real inside and out. That I am a woman who will continue and will never get tired of loving and be loved in return. I am now happy that finally every doubts and confusions I may have had are  completely clear to me now. Secrets revealed is the answer after all.  

It's Because Of You

I've almost gave up on forever, but you let me see the joy of getting old together.

I've almost gave up on love, but then I met you.

I've almost gave up on life, but you gave me the courage not to.

I've almost gave up on trust, but you gave me reasons why I can't.

I've almost gave up on faith, but you hold my hand thanking God for us.

I've almost gave up on us, but you let me see a rainbow behind those dark clouds.

So you see now why I can never give up?

It's because of you, the only person who doesn't know the meaning of giving up.

I thank God everyday for I have you with me.

Our love is not a choice we have made.

It's a gift that we get only once in our lifetime.

When will a dependence racket the young cathedral?

          

The Security Of Loving

I found myself staring at a lighted candle while drinking my coffee. Questions came into my mind at that instant. "Is my life like that of a candle?" "Am I slowly melting down as I age?" "Am I like the wick on the candle that as minutes go by, the flame is getting big as it slowly melts down?" So many questions flashed like all these are waiting urgently for my answers. I have so many questions on my mind since the separation and since finding the chance to write about my life. I just hope through my writings I can find the answers I am looking for.
I've come to a stage in my life when there is the urgency to change the path I'm crossing just to make sure I have not left something far behind. My sister says a lot of times that the security of loving remains my priority till now. I guess she is right after all. I cannot go on and take the risks I am doing now if I am not in a relationship. Somehow, it has been my inspiration all along. The security that I have someone is more important to me than that the security of money and a successful career can give. It is really far more fulfilling to achieve whatever I want if I can share it with the man I love.
I'm still trying out to know what I want to do with my life as of now. I'm not even sure if I can achieve everything that I want out of life with so little time left. But, somehow, it also helps to know that struggling to fit into my "new world" will also bring me the happiness of knowing the "real" me. I am not really wishing for so much. I'm just hoping and wishing that I have finally found that person who would want to be a part of my life till the end of my days. And that at the end of the day, he will be that person who will look me in the eyes and will say, "We will get through all of these together..."

The Pain Of Looking Back

We try to let go of the past and try to move on hoping that somewhere along the way, someone will come and rescue us from where we are. But the truth is we tend to fake it and let yourself believe that at last you've found the love you have been waiting for all this time. But you're just fooling yourself that this is possible. Nobody can erase and heal your wounded heart but only you yourself.
I have learned that before you can open your heart and love again, you need to get through the pain of looking back and see how, where, and what exactly made you get to that part. like in surgeries, you need to see deep into the patient's body to see the root cause of the disease. In a failed relationship, you need to look back and remember all the good and bad times that you and your ex partner have been through. If possible, write down all the good  and the bad that you can recall. Then look back to the last time you've argued. You will see from there why it all ended the way it was.
Now, start letting go of what happened between the two of you. You can see for yourself that everything's all in the past and nothing can ever change that. It doesn't matter any more who's fault it was. What matters now is that you can now clearly see the reason why it didn't last like you knew it would. Take the time to start your life putting all of your past behind. It is a lesson you should never forget. No need to be scared any more if you happened to start loving another person again. I can't promise you that the next time won't have its flaws. Just make sure don't make the same mistakes you had then. 
I believe that love is always at our doorsteps. You just need to work it out to make that love last. Dreaming and loving are just the same. You need to spend extra time and energy to make it come true and last at the same time. Your heartaches and failures are not  hindrances to reach your goal of being happy. Instead, make them your inspiration to grow and love some more. As what they say, it is more fulfilling to have loved than not to have loved at all. 

I will give you peach roses,your address? I love you

Thank you but you really don't need to. I just want my roses from someone I love...

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Do you go dating now? Chocolates or flowers?

I am not dating now.I prefer flowers especially peach roses.

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Are you willing to marry for someone you just met?

No I will not marry. Period.

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Can you tell me what i can give you to be happy now?

You don't need to give me anything. I am happy NOW.

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Lessons Of Life

I've been reading comments and messages from different sites for two consecutive weeks now. Some comments made laugh and others made me think some more. I have been writing posts and articles for some time now. And it just struck me that I am now learning my way where I want to be in the future. It was really amazing to feel this way again. I've thought long ago that my life will just flow according to the life my family was destined to. Now, I can see clearly the lessons of life and what I can still learn after each lessons that passed me by. I am eager to learn more about things I like. But I will also find my way to love every minute of lessons life would bring. There will come a time that I will cry again. And I am willing to accept that knowing that happiness is just along the way.

"Just My Thoughts"

I am into my usual depression for the last couple of days.(including today) This is starting to get me worried. I know in my heart that I am a changed woman after my year of transition. But still here I am again for the past days, reminiscing 18 years of my life. It saddens me to think that after a year of getting through everything, my heart and my mind are still struggling between facing the truth and moving on or just get myself blindfolded so not to see what is really happening. (I hope I'm making sense even to myself...) The truth? The truth that I've left my life along with the only man I've loved for more than half my life. I am face with the truth now that I am afraid of starting my life again with a man who loves me dearly. Do I really need this now? Or should I just let it pass and just be alone for whatever years or months I've left? To just be alone for a change? I need to find the answers now for myself. I just hope it'll be sooner. All of these are just my thoughts...( For those who would argue or react with what I've written, Please don't... This is just because I'm depressed and I need to get these things out of my system.)

" To Marry or Not To Marry "

To marry or not to marry??? That was on my head last night. Of course, I am not about to get married. My mama and my cousin went to my grandmother for a simple dinner last night. That was one of their topic. And grandma said that there is no need to get married to be happy. Get a life time partner without the sanctity of marriage. I wonder what my 19 year old cousin think about marriage now? If a lot of people around her think the same way. Our religion and our emotional as well as our life experiences clash before our very eyes. It is sad that I think the same as my grandmother. I can't help but agree with her. And I've learned about that for real from my experiences. But I wouldn't want to advise my cousin not to marry. I am living my life NOW. But marriage is not one of my options. I just hope she will not have the idea to ask me about it. I don't want to lie that i still believe in marriage. Please don't ask...

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How can I prove to you that you can trust me?

Trust is not just given to someone like you. It is earned. You cannot ask for my trust and earn it either coz you can't even reveal your identity to me.

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