My life back then only evolves around him. I don't make plans at all. I only know that whatever my future brings, he will be there with me. Then this inevitable happened. Looking back after 5 years without him, who would have thought I will be thinking this way. I am now at the other side that I never knew I would face. I had a dream back then to be with that one person to grow old with. Now, will I take that dream away from that woman as that one person did with me? I don't think that's fair. I went through hell with that feeling. Why would I let someone feel the same way I did?
Why do we hang on to something that we know will not last at all? This question is bothering me for days now. I always tend to make it sure that somehow I do it just because it makes sense to do it. Do I make sense? I'm very much worried that I am just going too far. It's not easy as I have thought it was from the start. Why am I still here where in fact I know I don't need to be here? I am now torn between staying, fixing whatever I can fix and just to let it go and start all over again with my life. This would also mean changing plans and changing me again.
Thoughts of broken promises and broken dreams filled my mind again. And I'm afraid it's all happening again. Lessons must be learned once more. I thought I've crossed that path and I will never return to that same spot. And now here I am again forgetting the NOW concept and afraid again what lies ahead in the future. And you know what's really bothering me now? I'm afraid of being alone and start talking to myself again. I'm afraid of not having someone to share my happiness, my worries, my sadness, and my life as a whole. These are the things that are keeping me glued here right now. I just wish these thoughts of being afraid will just go away and leave me. I just hope as soon as possible because I know it will prevent me from moving on forward and fulfill my dreams. So, do I make sense?
